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Therapy and sanity for ordinary parents of special kids.

Tag Archives | Shut Up

Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. And Do Not Roll Your Eyes!

The other day, a wonderful mother on the imperfect Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid Facebook fan page (!/pages/Shut-Up-About-Your-Perfect-Kid/340015517888?ref=ts) posted a link about how the town of Elmhurst, Illinois, is seeking to make eye rolling illegal. [For those unfamiliar with this gesture, go ask a teenager to clean their room or request to hang with her (or him) and their friends at the mall.]

According to The Consumerist, this unusual request “stems from a recent city council meeting where an Elmhurst resident was ejected from the room after rolling her eyes in reaction to something that was said by a council member.” As a result, “Members of the Elmhurst city council have asked the City Attorney to look into the creation of a new ‘disturbance and disorderly conduct'”charge.

While we are both strong proponents of a kinder, gentler society (despite what our “Shut Up” book title may imply), we have several concerns. First, we are worried that this legislation might take flight and land here in Massachusetts. Gina is particularly concerned since one of her family members would serve significant time for this infraction — her husband. This is one of his favorite gestures, especially when he’s mowing the lawn with his iPod on and Gina needs to communicate some vital piece of information to him. For example:

“Mike, can you follow me to the gas station? I think I’m running out of gas.”

He rolls his eyes so often that Gina is concerned about the medical implications. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you that your eyes will get stuck that way? Don’t come crying to me when your cross-eyed.”

He also rolls just as often with his daughters, who rely on him for protection. “Daddy help! There’s a sugar ant in my room. I’m scared. Can you go get it?”

There’s little doubt that if this eye rolling legislation were to come to Massachusetts, Mike would probably be locked up for life, which concerns Gina on a whole other level.

“That’s not fair! How come you get to get locked up in prison while I have to stay here with the kids?”

Patty shares Gina’s disdain for the proposed law as well. For different reasons.

“Gene, this is ridiculous. We’re becoming entirely too politically correct. Next thing you know, we won’t be allowed to give the Loser signal or stick our tongues out at people. What’s this world coming to?”

And it’s also made her very cautious about electing government officials.

“Yes, Governor Patrick. Thank you for sharing your view on illegal immigration. But what I really want to know is: What’s your stance on eye rolling?”

Tell us what you think of the legislation.

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Gisele, Gisele, Gisele

I’ll admit it, I’ve always been a huge fan of New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady. It might be his wholesome good looks, his work in bringing three Lombardi trophies to my hometown, or because he shares the namesake of my favorite sitcom family. (“Here’s a story of a man named Brady.”)

As a loyal fan, I’ve always tried to stand behind “Tom Terrific” and his on-the-field decisions, even when my husband (also a fan) is unable to do so. “Come on, get up Brady, you Sally! You’re playing like Marcia Brady.”

I’ve also tried to support him in his personal decisions, including his marriage to supermodel Gisele Bundchen. For awhile there, I grew to like her (well as much as any crazed, imperfect stalker can when some skinny &^%# steals the man of her dreams). She really didn’t seem that bad. She’s family-oriented. Highly successful.  And really seems to make him happy. Plus, she’s managed to do something a lot of celebrity female stars haven’t done – wear underwear in public while exiting a limousine.

But since she became pregnant with Brady’s child, Gisele has really started to get on my nerves. She makes me feel like a complete failure with the births of my two daughters.

Take the announcement of her pregnancy. It seemed like she was so thin that she wasn’t forced to announce her pregnancy until her 8th month, where I was forced to announce within 8 hours.

“I can’t hide it any longer, Mom and Dad. I’m pregnant.”

“Oh, that’s why your stomach is so bloated. I thought you ate too much turkey and stuffing.”

Gisele was seen wearing skinny jeans and didn’t even have to buy maternity clothes throughout her pregnancy. This is particularly annoying since my maternity clothes have been a part of my regular wardrobe since my baby was conceived (she’s now 11).

She boasted about how little weight she gained, which diminished one of my personal accomplishments – staying ¼ pound shy of the 200 lb. barrier.

“I did it Mike! I did it!”

“Ahhh! That’s great Gene. I’m really proud of you, but can you do me a favor and not jump up on me?”

She’s also talked about her insistence with natural child birth, and even gave birth at home in her tub. I, on the other hand, had an epidural after carefully weighing the benefits of medication with my doctor. “Please Doc, I’ll give you anything, even the kid. Just give me the drugs!”

And if all this wasn’t enough to upset me, today I opened the Boston Herald, only to see Gisele boasting that her beautiful son is now potty trained at just 6 months. Potty training at 6 months? It makes those of us who trained their children a little later (mine were both 10) feel like failures. In fact, I’m still working on training their 46-year-old father. “See Mike. This is how you close the lid.”

So Gisele, we’re happy that you have a perfect child, perfect body, and perfect life. But if you ever want to try parenting on the imperfect side, give me a call. We’ll start by burning those skinny jeans. You won’t be need those anymore.

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