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Welcome to Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid

Therapy and sanity for ordinary parents of special kids.

Halloween is Coming. Pass the Paxil!

When I was a kid, I loved Halloween.  Now that I’m an adult, I despise it. That’s because Halloween has become a major source of stress in my house. And as a working mother with two careers, two special needs children, two dogs, and two flights of stairs to vacuum, the last thing I need is more stress in my life.

I know, I know. I should like a holiday that brings such obvious joys to my two daughters and their dentist. (“Woohoo! The Gallagher kids have three cavities each. Let’s expand our office.”)

Here are just a few of the reasons I find Halloween hazardous to my health:

Tacky decorations. They say you don’t truly know someone until you live with them. This is certainly true in my case. Sure, I knew my husband of 19 years was a wonderful person who loved me. What I didn’t know is that he also had a burning love for tacky Halloween decorations. Each year, he and our girls go shopping for decorations together and fill my house with Halloween horrors. This year was no exception. One evening, I came home to find our nice family portrait replaced with a photo of some scary red-eyed vampire (it was no Edward Cullen) and my nice Southern Living candle centerpiece was replaced with a Not Living skull candelabra.

Outside, he filled the mulch beds with black cats and gravestones that quite honestly did not match our house).

He also had cobwebs placed in the corners of our family room, but for some reason (probably my lack of dusting skills), that didn’t bother me.

Costumes. I’ve said it before – Halloween is not for kids. It’s for trampy women looking for attention. Each year, I am amazed at the skimpiness of the costumes on the shelves – even the ones for children.

“How about this one, Mom?”

“That’s a very pretty cat costume Em if you were Jenna Jameson.”

What’s even worse is that my daughter is always trying to get me to dress up.

“Mom, please dress up with me!”

“Oh, Emmy, Mom’s not much into costumes.”

“But last year on your trip, you were a Heinken bottle and Aunt Patty was a daiquiri. I saw the pictures.”

Weight Gain Spiral. Halloween is the start of a very dangerous period for me – the season of weight gain. In starts off small with “Fun Size” Snickers. (Does anyone know how many Weight Watchers Points are in 35,000 of them) and goes right into the Christmas season.

This year, I’m planning to counter the weight gain with a return stint to Weight Watchers. But first I must lose 10 pounds.

Now that’s a scary thought.

14 Responses to Halloween is Coming. Pass the Paxil!

  1. Sandi Elmer October 14, 2010 at 12:26 am #

    I also hate this “holiday.” My kids are grown up so now it’s nothing more than another way to torment the dog! I renewed my WW membership cuz the 3 musketeers might have 1/3 less fat but after the 5th bag I don’t think it matters anymore! Hang in there everybody!

  2. Mary-Ann Hussey October 14, 2010 at 10:02 am #

    OMGosh I finally found someone that feels as I do.
    My husband has at least stopped asking for us to go to Salem for Halloween. where not only do they dress exotic they all get drunk! “Oh hi, you’re dressed as a smutty witch and you’re vomiting on my shoes, how original!”

    because my kids are still young and they walk so darn slow LOL we always end up putting a bowl of candy out and coming back home to an empty bowl and our yard TPed Last year we were left out the bowl, and walked to our next door neighbors house, as we were walking up their driveway, we saw a group of teenagers go up our driveway, and grab all the candy…we didn’t even get to the neighbors door and our candy bowl was gone. we have lived here twelve years and I have never given a trick-or-treater a piece of candy.
    I think this year we should give out IUOs “please come back tomorrow for your candy” that way I can get rid of that big bag of candy or at least all the ones *I* don’t like!
    Thansk for keeping me laughing

  3. Christina DePluma October 18, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

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  5. Bonnie December 31, 2010 at 1:41 pm #

    This is so funny. I just found you, and I’m bookmarking you!

  6. sports equipment January 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

    I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old , boys. I was wondering if anyone had any good , cool ideas for some costumes i can do. I was looking for maybe the same kind of theme if not just some good ideas. I don’t want them to be dressed like every kid on the block.

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