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Welcome to Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid

Therapy and sanity for ordinary parents of special kids.

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Breaking News! Playboy Mansion Smells

The Playboy Mansion - West

Image via Wikipedia

Finally some relief for those of us who worry about our imperfect housecleaning. We are not alone. It appears that the Playboy mansion (which probably has its share of topless french maids running around) smells of urine. I guess that’s what you get when you put too many bunnies in a house. We wonder what other kind of bunnies, “The Hef” is hiding in his house. We don’t know…maybe some dust bunnies.

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Putting on a Happy Face at Wal-Mart

It’s an American tradition. Now right up there with baseball, apple pie, and reality TV shows featuring stupid people behaving badly. It’s Walmart, the retailing giant. The place where hundreds of thousands of people flock to “Save Money and Live Better.” And though I’ve been known to shop there (it’s my husband’s favorite place), I’m just not buying any of it. For me, shopping at Walmart is not making me live better. It’s adding to my stress level, which as the crazed mother of two special needs children, I need about as much as I need a Ronco Food Dehydrater.

Just the other day, I decided  to stop there to pick up a replacement curtain rod. My husband, who knows the store better than our home, was happy to hear about my decision.

“Can I come, Gene?  Can I? Huh? Huh?

“No offense, Mike, but I want to make this a quick trip, and if you had your way we’d end up vacationing there. I’m just buying one thing and one thing only — a curtain rod.”

“OK, but I gotta warn you. They’re turning it into a Super Walmart. You know a Walmart on steroids. We can buy everything we need there, milk, bread, lettuce, etc.”

If he said they would be selling wine, I might have been impressed, but the thought of dealing with a double-size Walmart sent my blood pressure surging.

“Love ya, Mike. Gotta run! Bye!” I yelled racing out the door before he could catch up with me.

On the way out, I passed my neighbor, and stopped to say hello.

“Hey Gene, where ya goin’?”

“Oh, hey Juli. I’m just headed to Walmart.”

“You’re goin’ to Wal-Mart now?  Without me?”

“Do you want to come?” I politely asked, knowing that my plan for a quick trip had gone to Hell in a handbasket.

“Gene, why are you going now. It’s too light out. You’re supposed to go late at night. That way no one sees you buying cute clothes.”

“Well Juli, as much as I’d love to hit Wal-Mart After Dark with you; I have a curtain rod to buy, and I need it now.”

When I arrived inside, I was handed a smiling sticker from a woman who frowned at me. See I knew I wasn’t the only one who hated Walmart, I thought to myself.

I bypassed her and barreled around the corner, heading down the narrow aisles, which reminded me of my bowling days.

I had just reached Health and Beauty when I sideswiped a mother and her seventeen young children in a cart with a big red seating section. The cart was clearly too big for the store and I wasn’t even sure it was registered with the store.

“Sorry,” I said, knowing clearly that she was the one at fault, but not wanting to spend time filling out in-store traffic reports or give her time to be discovered by a personal injury attorney who was probably setting up shop next door in pet care.

My head started to pound and I continued on my way, barely slowing down to pick up a lifesize bottle of Excedrin for just $6.99. With the sign for Domestics up ahead, I raced on until I flew by a display advertising Pillow Pets for $14.99. I abruptly stopped the cart, causing a three-cart pile up behind me, and raced over to drop one into my cart.  (I had never seen them cheaper than $19.99) At Domestics, I picked up a curtain road, along with a new soap dish, three hand towels, and a new trash barrel for my bathroom.

A half hour later, I set out to the registers, where I raced to the shortest line, all the while getting dirty looks from the people around me. When it was my turn, the cashier turned to me and said, “Ma’am I can’t take you. This is the 25 item or less line and your cart is full.”

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Dyslexia The Reason behind DaVinci and Picasso’s Success?

mona lisa

Image by Lindy Drew Photography via Flickr

If you have a child with dyslexia, you might just have a future artistic genius on your hands. Which is probably  why the Shut Up Sisters, who don’t have dyslexia, don’t have any artistic talent to speak of. (Don’t worry, we have plenty of other issues, which have not yet been diagnosed.) Check out this interesting article on DaVinci and Picasso, who were thought to have dyslexia. Then, go to your next cocktail party and work that into the conversation, “Yes, my little Johnny, along with Leonardo DaVinci and Pablo Picasso has dyslexia.”

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Halloween is Coming. Pass the Paxil!

When I was a kid, I loved Halloween.  Now that I’m an adult, I despise it. That’s because Halloween has become a major source of stress in my house. And as a working mother with two careers, two special needs children, two dogs, and two flights of stairs to vacuum, the last thing I need is more stress in my life.

I know, I know. I should like a holiday that brings such obvious joys to my two daughters and their dentist. (“Woohoo! The Gallagher kids have three cavities each. Let’s expand our office.”)

Here are just a few of the reasons I find Halloween hazardous to my health:

Tacky decorations. They say you don’t truly know someone until you live with them. This is certainly true in my case. Sure, I knew my husband of 19 years was a wonderful person who loved me. What I didn’t know is that he also had a burning love for tacky Halloween decorations. Each year, he and our girls go shopping for decorations together and fill my house with Halloween horrors. This year was no exception. One evening, I came home to find our nice family portrait replaced with a photo of some scary red-eyed vampire (it was no Edward Cullen) and my nice Southern Living candle centerpiece was replaced with a Not Living skull candelabra.

Outside, he filled the mulch beds with black cats and gravestones that quite honestly did not match our house).

He also had cobwebs placed in the corners of our family room, but for some reason (probably my lack of dusting skills), that didn’t bother me.

Costumes. I’ve said it before – Halloween is not for kids. It’s for trampy women looking for attention. Each year, I am amazed at the skimpiness of the costumes on the shelves – even the ones for children.

“How about this one, Mom?”

“That’s a very pretty cat costume Em if you were Jenna Jameson.”

What’s even worse is that my daughter is always trying to get me to dress up.

“Mom, please dress up with me!”

“Oh, Emmy, Mom’s not much into costumes.”

“But last year on your trip, you were a Heinken bottle and Aunt Patty was a daiquiri. I saw the pictures.”

Weight Gain Spiral. Halloween is the start of a very dangerous period for me – the season of weight gain. In starts off small with “Fun Size” Snickers. (Does anyone know how many Weight Watchers Points are in 35,000 of them) and goes right into the Christmas season.

This year, I’m planning to counter the weight gain with a return stint to Weight Watchers. But first I must lose 10 pounds.

Now that’s a scary thought.

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Shut Up Sisters say BRA-vo! to uplifting new invention for women.

Just when we thought the Snuggie was the greatest invention ever, we receive this “uplifting” news about a new bra that’s hit the market — the emergency/gas mask bra. With our busy travel schedules, we were both looking for a safety bra that offers comfort, support, and compactness. Now we can have it all in one smart design that will have us flying the friendly skies with comfort and confidence. Check it out in this video. Best of all, we’ll each be able to save a lucky male passenger. Our mother was ecstatic when we shared the news. “Now, I don’t have to worry about you girls in the subways and on planes. Not to mention, you’ll both have better bustlines.”

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Dalton artist with Asperger’s starts own business (From The …

Here’s an inspiring story from across the pond. Over the years, many of us have been told that our children would never be able to reach certain milestones, such as walking, talking, or even living to adulthood.  I was reminded of this, this past spring, when a dear friend’s special daughter graduated from high school.  At her graduation party, the child’s father got up and talked about everything his family had been through, and how his daughter, who had a heart condition and learning disabilities wasn’t supposed to live through her first few months. Today, that wonderful child is living away at college and loving every minute of it. This story is a reminder to us all to never stop believing in our children. Please pass this story on to any of your friends or family members who may be feeling beaten down by the people who want to remind us what our children won’t be able to accomplish.

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Do you remember…

To those who see us wait in long lines at the Pharmacy, frantically hurry to get our kid to a therapist appointment on time, or struggle with getting our kids on the school bus, our lives as parents of special children may not look all that inviting. But what most people don’t realize is the blessings our special children bring us that make our lives more fulfilling. We were reminded of this today when we found this beautiful article written by a mother of a special child. Please take a moment to read this link —  Do you remember… by — and pass it along to others.

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Botox Could Ease Drooling Troubles

Reference: Botox Could Ease Drooling Troubles by

Forget wrinkles. Botox could bring temporary relief for those who struggle with drooling, a new study suggests.

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Today, I was searching through the Internet and came across this article about how Botox could make life easier for those with certain types of disabilities. Personally, I have never thought of Botox in a positive way.  Maybe it’s my mother, who warned me about it when I was a kid. “Never eat from a can, you’ll get botulism.”

One of my dear friends (she’s the same age as me, but  looks considerably more youthful- b^%&h!) has been trying to sell me on the benefits of Botox for some time. “Come on, Gene, let’s get treatments together.  It will change our lives.”

I’m just not buying.

I’m  the first to admit that I could use some treatments (i.e., those of the shock nature) but this one, which promises to remove my laugh lines, crow’s feet, and permanent scowl,  just isn’t  high on my list of priorities.

I like my laugh lines just fine. I’ve spent 44 years being a goofball and my laugh lines are proof.  And I’m not sure I like the idea of not being able to scowl when I want to. I’m a mother; scowling is a big part of what I do everyday.

Besides, these are very trying economic times and I can’t be throwing money away on superficial things like Botox; I have more important things to focus on — like saving for my retirement or that cellulite chamber I’ve had my eye on.

But though Botox might not be for me, I’m happy to hear that it may possibly be put to  good use and help those with disabilities. In fact, just reading about it brought tears to my crow’s feet.

How do you feel about Botox?

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Reports from a Resident Alien – Ten Things Everyone Should Know …

Check out this great blog post about autism written by a successful adult with autism. It helps demystify some of the beliefs about autism. One belief  is that they don’t need love. While Gina’s daughter Katie is not as cuddly as some kids, she is extremely loving and compassionate.

Check out and post your comments. Oh yeah and share it with people in your life who don’t seem to understand autism.

Autism is found in adults at the same rate as kids. So where are the new cases coming from? They’re new diagnosis on the milder end, due to the definition of Asperger’s as a kind of autism without speech delay (it used to be that you couldn ‘t be ….. and the school was about to let me go into public school because I exceeded all of my goals in my IEP! I won’t explain the details (because there are too many), but since then, I’ve spent the last 8 years attempting to piece …

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It’s No Surprise. They Really Aren’t that Bright

For those of you just joining us, we thank you for becoming a member of our imperfect community. For those of you who know us, you know we’re not that bright. And while we may not be that bright, we are two of the luckiest not-so-bright people we know.

In celebration of our book being released, we were honored at two separate parties.
It was the culmination of family and friends gathered together to celebrate imperfection. Even our beloved Facebook “idol” Jackie flew up from the Sunshine State to attend the parties. We were stunned. We had to quickly check Facebook to see if the person standing in the driveway matched the profile picture.

“Whoa! Like that’s kinda sketchy.” remarked Patty’s daughter Jules.

And in all fairness to us, we really had no way of knowing that Jackie would be taking us by surprise but apparently everyone else did—including our mother.

“Ok, weren’t you guys just a little suspicious when we all became friends on Facebook?”

“Yeah, even your mother joined ‘Spacebook’.”

But Gina and Patty proved again the following day just how “not bright” they are. Patty was told her husband was taking her out to lunch, so she did what any good wife would do after coming home really late from the party the night before–she immediately placed a called to her sister while her husband went to get coffee.

“Michael wants to go out to lunch an hour away!! Does that make any sense? There are plenty of restaurants around here! Why lunch? Why can’t I sleep in and we go out to dinner instead?”

Gina was just as angry.

“Tell me about it. All of a sudden Mike has to go to a work party! How am I supposed to pack for my trip when I have to go to a work party? And you should see all the food he’s bringing. And Katie’s skirt is too short.”

So you can only imagine when Patty and Gina each walked in to their friend Rebecca’s house only to find their parents and another group of their beautifully imperfect friends on hand to surprise them.

“Aww, Pat, you know what this means?”

“Yes, it means we can’t trust anyone and that we really aren’t that bright.”

And while we know we aren’t that bright, we sure are lucky. To our beloved family and friends, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for making this imperfect journey so memorable. You all have a special place in our heart and we will always treasure you. May God bless you.

Gina & Patty

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Primping for Radio

Today Patty will be live on the air with Krys Boyd on KERA Radio in North Texas from 1-2:00 PM.  Krys’ show is called “Think.”We find this rather ironic as anyone who knows Patty, knows that she’s not all that bright.  To prove that she’s not that bright, she’s been shopping for an outfit to wear for this radio interview. This is a live call-in show so please if you’re going to call, make sure your questions aren’t too difficult for Patty to answer.  You may want to stick with the basics such as “What is your favorite color?” or “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”  Do not confuse her with such complex questions like, “What is the fastest land animal?”  If you could, please avail yourself so if the questions become too difficult, Patty can phone a friend.

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Lights, Camera, Imperfection!

Well, today we are on our way to our first television appearance to kick off our new book. We’re headed to West Hartford, CT, to visit the good folks at NBC 10. We had the privilege of visiting the station two years ago when we launched our self-published book. We remember it well. From the moment we walked in the door people were smiling at us and waving. We, were, of course, flattered and highly impressed.

“Wow Pat! Is it me or are they really excited to have us?”

“Oh, it’s definitely not just you. I noticed it too. In fact, I  think the weatherman just whistled at me.”

Yes, we were pretty convinced that we were the star attractions until Patty’s teen daughter, Jules, who accompanied us on the trip, had to burst our  respective bubbles.

“Like of course, they’re happy.  Duh! It’s Ice Cream Friday”  she said, pointing to a rolling ice cream cart.

Nonetheless, Jules’ newsflash did not deter us. “Well, that just makes this even sweeter.”

Happily, the interview went well, as we gathered when they presented us both with parting gifts. Patty was elated.  “A peppermint stick for me. That’s my favorite!  Thank you!”

But that was years ago. A lot has happened since then.  We’ve traveled around the country speaking with parents, caregivers, children,  and adults living with a wide range of disabilities. We’ve listened to their courageous and sometimes heartbreaking stories, and heard their voices when we were writing our new book.

As you would expect, we’re excited and a bit nervous. Excited because our television experience isn’t that extensive (save for our work on the Walmart security cameras). Nervous because we want to make sure that our message for the book rings loud and clear to parents who feel scared and alone. Yes, somewhere along our imperfect journeys, we realized this book isn’t just about us. It’s about all the amazing parents, grandparents,  caregivers, children, and teachers we’ve met along the way.

This one’s for you!

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Ready or Not, Here I Go

by Imperfect Patty

Summer vacation is in full swing. Many parents (i.e., those on medication) enjoy this valuable opportunity to spend quality time with their children, get assistance around the house, and sleep in.  Sadly, though, these benefits come at a very high cost; the cost of losing something that is essential to our very survival – our privacy. Yup for eight grueling weeks, we have to conduct our daily activities knowing our children are among us (sound bite: “They’re baaaaaaack!”).

Now, at the table where we used to quietly sip coffee and peruse the morning paper, we have to block out the snap, crackle, pop of our children gnawing on cereal.  At the desks where we used to quietly crank out our work and freely complain about our children on Facebook, we have them lurking over our shoulders, censoring our posts. “Don’t write that! You’re so embarrassing.”

Fortunately, we have uncovered a few proven, cost-effective, and simple ways to take back the privacy we so deserve. And because we’ve become so attached to all of the folks in our imperfect community, we’ve decided to share them with you and proudly present… (drumroll please)

The Ten Best Places to Hide (from your Children)

1)    The walk-in closet. A walk-in closet is not just ideal for pretending your house is clean for company (by throwing everything in it). It’s also a great way to hide from your children. We especially like the ones with shelves that allow you to store essential items – pens, paper, trail mix, a box of wine, etc. If you don’t have a walk-in closet, consider moving to a house that has one or marrying someone who can build you one. If your current spouse has that capability, renew your vows with him.

2)    A walk-in freezer. Sure it’s great to have extra storage for slabs of meat, but you may be surprised to learn that a walk-in freezer is actually a nice respite for parents. Just be sure to make sure you don’t lock yourself in (Brady Bunch fans know how scary that can be).

3)   The Shrubs. Those overgrown shrubs you’ve been concerned about trimming are an actual asset to your home. In fact, some shrubs (like a healthy rhodendrum, for example), can comfortably accommodate up to two full-size parents.

4)    A tree house. Who says tree houses are just for Keebler elves? Consider taking over your children’s tree house and asking other neighbors to join you for your own hide-from-the-kids club?

5)    Pools. If you have a pool, consider taking scuba diving lessons and spending quality time underwater. Be sure to buy an extra large oxygen tank.

6)    The kitchen table. Most kitchen tables provide ample room for you to hide. Avoid purchasing glass tables at all costs. You’ll have a lot more to worry about than just fingermarks.

7)    Your neighbor’s house. It is critical that you select a neighbor who is safe. By safe we mean, he or she:  1) doesn’t have children or plan to have any in the future; 2) will not pass judgment on you or what you may bring over with you; and 3) has no problem openly lying to helpless children (or husbands).

8)    Your car. Today’s automobiles are constructed with space efficiency in mind, which should provide you with plenty of room to conceal yourself. If your car is in the garage, make sure it is not on. This is particularly important if you own a Toyota.

9)    The oven. And you thought that double oven was for cooking. Surprise. It’s for you!

10)  Fireplace. Santa didn’t choose the fireplace just for convenience. No, he wanted to avoid seeing children. A fireplace is an ideal place to hide, provided of course, that the fire is not lit.

We also advise to avoid wearing heavy perfumes for the summer. While that Jean Nate or Old Spice may make you feel fresh; it actually emits a strong detection signal to your children.

These are just a few tips that have been successful for us.  Remember though, every house is unique and offers its own little charm (or hiding place).  For example, that Lazy Susan can actually fit a Susan. And that hideaway bed isn’t just for sleepovers.

Just be sure to enjoy your time away.  Remember that parenthood is a life sentence and that every  parent deserves a (prison) break for good behavior.

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If you can’t stand the heat…

Get your kids to make friends with some kid with a pool.

Blog by Gina (the smarter Shut Up sister)

The mercury is rising. And it’s not just from the normal stuff in my household like receiving bad news calls from the school or frequent eye rolls from my teenager. This time, it’s due to a more traditional reason – we’re having a full-fledged New England heatwave. And there’s just something about a house with six skylights, no air conditioning, and two fighting special needs children that makes me cranky. I have no energy to cook, clean, or balance my checkbook, though my husband has assured me that this is  all quite normal.

“Gene, you don’t do any of that in optimal weather conditions.”

The most difficult part of managing the heat is dealing with that burning question my children pose to me year after year, day after day, nanosecond after nanosecond:

“Mooooooooooooooooom, can we pllllllllllllllllllease get a pool?”

Given the economic conditions and rising costs of pharmaceuticals and co-pays (our family’s biggest expenses), the prospect of my family getting a pool is weak at best. In fact, I’m pretty sure my kids  (“Mom! Help! We’re out of popsicles!!!! What do I do?”) have a better chance of winning Survivor than getting a pool.  I actually feel guilty telling them that because…well… I always had a pool as a kid and I loved every second of it.  I’m pretty sure I spent my first 12 years underwater.  (“Mom, I didn’t hear you calling me to do chores. I was in the pool.”)

In extreme weather conditions like this, even I sometimes find myself asking for one. “Mike, can we get a pool? Please, please, I promise I’ll clean our room.” But than my husband reminds me of one important fact – we’re not smart enough to own a pool. You see, chemistry was never one of our better subjects, which is why we didn’t do so well with one of those small inflatable soft pools we tried several years ago.

“Gene, do you think the water is supposed to be black?”

“I’m not sure, Mike, but I’m pretty sure a pool this size isn’t supposed to have a 9-foot deep end.”

Sure, we’ve tried to make it up to our kids by taking them to the beach or joining community pools. We’ve even encouraged them to proactively find their own solutions. “OK kids, I’ve mapped out all of the houses of kids with pools. Go friend them.”

But anyone who has a pool knows that it’s just not the same.  There’s nothing about doing a cannonball  (or in my case, hiding in a bathing suit) in your own back yard.

But if my children’s  disabilities have taught them anything, it’s how to be resilient. I was particularly proud of my 11-year-old daughter with non-verbal learning disability today when I picked her up after the first day of camp. With her difficulty understanding the nuances of communication, I have often worried that she didn’t fully understand our stance on getting a pool. But today, I realized she gets the message, loud and clear.

“Mom, I met this new girl at camp.  She has a pool and a hot tub with a cabana. Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I’m working on hooking up with her.”

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Sleep Kid Sleep!

When we were young, we hated that popular childhood ritual known as the sleepover. That’s because we both have  always shared a mutual love of sleeping.

“Pat, I really like to sleep. I’m good at it.”

“I’m the same way, Gene. I think it’s why I might be OK with death.”

But anyone who ever been involved in a sleepover knows that they really have nothing to do with sleeping.

Even our younger children have learned this.

“Mommy, can Samantha come over for an awakeover?”

For a long time, we thought it was impossible to despise sleepovers any more than we did in childhood. But then we became mothers and learned to take our hatred to a whole new level of intensity.

Don’t get us wrong;  we’re not  opposed to all kinds of sleepovers. In certain situations, (such as those involving us sleeping away from our homes), sleepovers are not just warranted; they’re ideal. (“Girls Night Away? We’re in!”)

We’re also staunch supporters and advocates of  sleepovers that involve our children staying at other people’s houses.

“Quick Mike, let’s peel out of here before they change their minds.”

But there’s one type of sleepover we’ll always despise –  those that involve other children staying at our home.  That’s because our love of sleep is in direct contrast to the primary objective of sleepover attendees – to scream all night long and drive sleep-deprived parents to the brink of insanity.

As Christians and loving mothers, we’ve tried to work through our hatred, often posing a difficult question:

WWJD? What would June Cleaver Do?

Well, we can ascertain one thing. June would never, ever refuse to grant a special child a sleepover. When other kids want to play with a special child, you have no choice, but to cave. Yup, sometimes, you just have to  swallow your pride (and your Paxil) and take one for the imperfect team.

But that doesn’t stop us from working our hardest to ensure we (err, we mean the children) get a fitful night of sleep.

“OK kids, who wants a Sominex Smoothie?”

“Mrs. Gallagher why do you have those whale sounds playing in  Emmy’s room?”

As much as we’ve tried, none of these and other clever  strategies (tranquilizer guns, Benadryl brownies, bedtime reading of our mortgage deed) seem to work. Invariably, the kids end up staying up all night, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our life, the  morning after.

“OK kids, thanks for coming. Great to have you. Here’s your breakfast.  Just be sure to eat your pancakes before they melt the paper bag.”

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Gisele, Gisele, Gisele

I’ll admit it, I’ve always been a huge fan of New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady. It might be his wholesome good looks, his work in bringing three Lombardi trophies to my hometown, or because he shares the namesake of my favorite sitcom family. (“Here’s a story of a man named Brady.”)

As a loyal fan, I’ve always tried to stand behind “Tom Terrific” and his on-the-field decisions, even when my husband (also a fan) is unable to do so. “Come on, get up Brady, you Sally! You’re playing like Marcia Brady.”

I’ve also tried to support him in his personal decisions, including his marriage to supermodel Gisele Bundchen. For awhile there, I grew to like her (well as much as any crazed, imperfect stalker can when some skinny &^%# steals the man of her dreams). She really didn’t seem that bad. She’s family-oriented. Highly successful.  And really seems to make him happy. Plus, she’s managed to do something a lot of celebrity female stars haven’t done – wear underwear in public while exiting a limousine.

But since she became pregnant with Brady’s child, Gisele has really started to get on my nerves. She makes me feel like a complete failure with the births of my two daughters.

Take the announcement of her pregnancy. It seemed like she was so thin that she wasn’t forced to announce her pregnancy until her 8th month, where I was forced to announce within 8 hours.

“I can’t hide it any longer, Mom and Dad. I’m pregnant.”

“Oh, that’s why your stomach is so bloated. I thought you ate too much turkey and stuffing.”

Gisele was seen wearing skinny jeans and didn’t even have to buy maternity clothes throughout her pregnancy. This is particularly annoying since my maternity clothes have been a part of my regular wardrobe since my baby was conceived (she’s now 11).

She boasted about how little weight she gained, which diminished one of my personal accomplishments – staying ¼ pound shy of the 200 lb. barrier.

“I did it Mike! I did it!”

“Ahhh! That’s great Gene. I’m really proud of you, but can you do me a favor and not jump up on me?”

She’s also talked about her insistence with natural child birth, and even gave birth at home in her tub. I, on the other hand, had an epidural after carefully weighing the benefits of medication with my doctor. “Please Doc, I’ll give you anything, even the kid. Just give me the drugs!”

And if all this wasn’t enough to upset me, today I opened the Boston Herald, only to see Gisele boasting that her beautiful son is now potty trained at just 6 months. Potty training at 6 months? It makes those of us who trained their children a little later (mine were both 10) feel like failures. In fact, I’m still working on training their 46-year-old father. “See Mike. This is how you close the lid.”

So Gisele, we’re happy that you have a perfect child, perfect body, and perfect life. But if you ever want to try parenting on the imperfect side, give me a call. We’ll start by burning those skinny jeans. You won’t be need those anymore.

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No more (white) lies

The signs are all there. As much as we hate to admit it, our kids are growing up. Now, instead of rolling Play Doh, they’re rolling their eyes.  Instead  of dressing Barbie, they’re dressing like Barbie. (“Katie, that skirt is way too short. It’s a school call waiting to happen.”) Instead of playing Operation, they’re asking for one (“Hey Mom, my nose is so big. Can I get it fixed?”).

While most mothers of special needs kids would be thrilled to see maturity in their kids, Gina is struggling with it. For her, it’s a painful reminder that her two daughters, ages 15 and 11, are growing apart from her and that she can no longer do the things she used to love to do with them.

Things like watching a favorite TV show (“OK, who wants to watch Arthur with Mom?”) or giving them special attention to comfort them.

“Katie, what’s that on your face? Come here and let Mommy kiss it.”

“Mom, it’s a zit. Get away from me. You’re a freak.”

One of the hardest things for Gina to accept is that she can no longer fabricate “white lies” to protect them.

“Emmy, great news! I just got the notice. Your school wants you to attend summer camp.”

“Camp? That’s not a camp. It’s summer school!  Duh! I’m not stupid.”

Her older sister is even more  savvy about uncovering Gina’s lies, which is particularly troubling since she often outs Gina.

“Mommy, remember our cat Felix? What happened to him?”

“Oh Emmy, he was just so active. We sent him to a farm where he could get the exercise he needs.”

“Emmy, don’t believe her. There’s no such thing as ‘the farm.’ Felix bit the big one.”

What’s even more disturbing is that they’ve started to develop probing skills and now ask me questions about my life. But I guess I probably should show my maturity and tell them the truth.

“Hey Mom, have you ever been drunk?”

“Yes. Drunk on love for the two of you.”

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Money Matters (Unless You’re My Kid)

Money Matters (unless you’re my kid)

Over the years, it’s amazed me how much my two daughters with disabilities have matured. (“Mommy, I shaved my arms. Want to see?”) They’re able to stay home alone, do their own homework, cook, and even clean (when forced at gunpoint). There is, however, one area that they haven’t matured as quickly as I would like – financial literacy. In fact, their lack of knowledge about the value of money would probably make Suze Orman’s hair stand up on end (if it wasn’t that way already).

My soon-to-be 15-year old, for example, is a graduate of the Madoff school of money (as she’s made off with more of my money than I can count.)

“Katie, do me a favor. Take this $5 and buy me a newspaper.”

“OK, but only if I can keep the change.”

Her little sister, Emily, age 11, isn’t much better. She has trouble understanding the downside of having a self-employed mother.

“Mom, can I have $10 to go to Claire’s?”

“Sorry Em, Mom doesn’t have any money. I haven’t received a check in 3 weeks, 12 hours, 32 minutes, and 9 seconds.”

“But, Mom, just go to the ATM. It will give you money.”

Fortunately, I’ve found a solution to help my older daughter understand the value of money. She, of course, has other plans.

“Katie when you turn 15, Mommy is going to take you to the Sudbury Farms supermarket to get you a job.”

“Oh, no! I’m not milking anything.”

And though she struggles with understanding the value of money, her younger sister, Emily, understands the joy and rewards of philanthropy.

“Mommy, how about we take the neighborhood out for lunch?”

“My friend Lucy was feeling sad, so I told her we’d buy her an American Girl doll.”

In both their defenses, they are sometimes sympathetic when I express concern over their spending and the drain it puts on our family.

“Mom, you’re right. I do ask for too much. I’m going to start helping this family save money. From now on, when we go to McDonald’s I don’t want you to SuperSize my order.”

I’m sure, they’ll surprise me someday and master the skills they need. If not, I’ll just have to pray they do.”

“Katie Honey, that $20 I just passed you was for the church basket that just went by.”

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Welcome to our imperfect virtual home

So you’re imperfect, huh? You must be if you came to this site. It doesn’t matter whether you came looking for this site or stumbled up on it (proof that you’re an imperfect typist). The important thing is that you’re here. And not alone.

We’re your hosts, Patty and Gina, and we’re sisters. In some circles, we’re known as Lucy and Ethel or Mary Kate and Ashley (though we actually smile). Personally, we prefer Laverne and Shirley, since we both share a love of breweries and bowling.  (Gina also loves to wear a big G on her sweaters.)

We want you to feel like this is your imperfect home. A place where you can come to talk about the imperfect journey known as parenting. It doesn’t matter whether your child has a disability or not or whether you’re a parent at all.  The ride of life is filled with unexpected twists and turns and highs and lows. We’d be honored to have you share your ride with us – and all who come along with us.

We also encourage you to visit our Facebook fan page, simply by typing Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid. )Make sure you click on the new white book, not the orange one, which is no longer in print. )There, you’ll connect with parents from all walks of life who openly admit that life isn’t always perfect. They’ll answer questions for you, share stories, but mostly, let you know you’re in good company.

And here, we’ll blog about our joys and challenges in not just parenting, but in life. We’ll talk about our kids, make you laugh (mostly at us), and of course,  remind you that you’re not alone, even when you think you are.

We promise you’ll never be bored. Cause as we always like to say.  Life on the “Imperfect Side” is so much more interesting.

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